tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 30, 2015 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!n! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. what energy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: rising up. welcome. thank you so much. why not? thank you. welcome to "the late sho" thanks so much for being here. i'm stephen colbert. thanks for being here. i hope you have a good time here tonight. we enjoy doing this show for you every night. we have a good tame on the show. more importantly, in ways you don't get to see, we enjoy making the show every day. and this part of the show that
show, we usually wriri in my office around noon every day. and i understand when your office sits above times square, like mine does, there's going to be noise. as a new yorker, i'm totally capable of drowning out horns honking, sirens, times square elmo fights, gun shots, wounded times square e eos begging for help-- the usual new york stuff. but today, i got to say, new york took it up a notch. an unholy wail started from the street that sounded like a goose making love to a smoke detector. ( laughter ) i don't know if you guys heard it today. it was so unbelievable-- this is true-- it was so unbelievable, i recorded it with my iphone. jim. ooh!
aaarrrr. aaaaarrrr. now, i have no idea where that sound came from. my first guess was land whales. i thought maybe, in desperation, they beached themselves on 53rd street and we were hearing them die. then, the sound stopped and we thought we can write this part of the show. and a few minutes later we heard this. ( high-pitched wail ) aaahhh.
aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaaa. >> stephen: kind of makes it hard to concentrate. >> what does? stephen: that sound. >> i don't hear anything. i don't hear anything. ( laughter ) >> sphen: kind of makes it hard to concentrate on re- writing the show. ( mimics sound ) ( pitch of sound increases ) ( applause ) ey really should pututages on these windows so i don't hurl myself out. what the ( bleep ) is that?
oh, god. now, i never found out what that sound was. i can only assume it was the end of the world, and this is being broadcast right now to a charred hellscape roamed by the damned. either that or god was playing the largest crystal wine glass ever. aaaahhhh. ( cheers and applause ) aaaahhhh. the point is, the forces of darkness tried tg stop me from doing the show f you tonight. but we're winning, folks, because in spite of all that, we have a great show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) come on! first up, i'll be talking with comedian and actor aziz ansari... ( cheers and applause ) ...whose new show, "master of none," is about a 30-year-old
ooh, i hope it's mindy kaling! then, i'll be joined by creator, writer, producer, author shonda rhimes. ( cheers and applausus ) and it is entirely, entirely possible she's got some new job titles since i started that sentence. ( laughter ) then, i'll sit down with bruce campbell and lucy lawless. they're starring in the new series, "ash versus evil dead," based on theheult zombie movies. they'll feel right at home because i'm going to pick their brains. that sound can only mean one thing-- it's time to say hi to jon batiste and stay human.. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to kick out the jazz jams. but before they do, one more thing-- the national hot dog and
hot dogs aren't sandwiches, but they still cling to their desperate idea that hot dogs are food. ( band plalang "late show" theme ) >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes aziz ansari... shonda rhimes... bruce campbell and lucy lawless. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you!
yeah! >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: whoo! >> jon: oh, yeah! oh, yeah! oh, yeah! >> stephen: whoo! yeah! thanks. folks, thanks so much for being here. thanks for watching. thanks for watching the show. thanks for being here. thanks for watching out there. i know you have your choice-- >> stephen! stepn. >> stephen: i know you have e ur choice in tetevision watching, because tonight... tonight is-- tonight is a huge night in politics. it's the fourth republican primary debate. now, i haven't seen it yet, because e tape this show early- - and also because "please don't make me--" but tonight one thing we know is tonight is make or break for jeb! who been struggling to show he can be a strong leader. but yesterday, in response to a question he got on the internet,
>> "if you could go back in time ankill baby hitler, would you do it?" hell, yeah, i would! >> stephen: hell, yeah, he would! that's politics 101-- shake the hand, kiss the baby, kill baby hitler! now, just to be clear, can we put up a picture of jeb bush's intended target? there you go. remember, it's hitler! can we hitler him up a little bit? there you go. look at those evil little cheeks! who's the greatest monster of the 20th century? you are! your uncle jeb's got something for you! stabbity, stab, stab. ( laughter ) somebody's gotta do it. d this is a dangerous mission because jeb, of all people, knows the high stakekeof time travel. >> the problem with going back in history and doing that is, as we know from the series, what's the name of the michael fox movies? >> "back to the future"? >> "backcko the future."
dangerous effect on everything else. >> there's a lot to consider. >> but i'd do it. i mean, hitler! >> stephen: yes, as we learned in "back to the future," starring well-known actor michael fox, time travel could have all kinds of unforeseen consequences. i mean, remember german reich marshal wolfgang meinhardt? no, of course, you don't because someone went back in time and killed him as a baby, preventing world war 1.5. and yet, world war ii happened anyway. ( applause ) that's why it's so crucial this question comes up at tonight's debate. en time travel technology arrives, you know the president will be the first one to use it. and you want a trustworthy leader at the helm of "time force one," someone who'll use it responsibly and not w wte it on taking jesus on a pteradactyl ride.
( applause ) i know it looks like fun. i know it looks like fun. ( applause ) but we've got to have priorities. now, ben carson has said if he could go back in time, he would prevent the holocaust byiving jews guns. of course, ben carson wouldn't kiki hitler himself. as a doctor, he swore: first, do no harm. second, give everyone guns. ( laughter ) now, i'm not running for president, but here's what i would do with a time machine. >> audnce: ooh! >> stephen: if i was, here's what i would do with a time machine. i, t t, would travel back k the time of baby hitler, but this is where me and jeb's time streams start to diverge because i wouldn't kill young adolf. i would take him from his parents and raise him with love. hear me ouou okay. i would give hitler a safe, supportive home. all the while, i would watch him
i wouldn't let him jn anything where you have to wear a uniform. no cub scouts, no little league, definitely no marching band. most importantly, i'd teach baby hitler that we don't solve our problems with violence. and then, if he starts getting mouthy as a teenager, i'll stick a knife in his ribs and snap off the handle. ( cheers and applause ) okay? and if that attack fails, and the horror of being stabbed by a person he thinks is his father turns him into a monstrous dictator, it's easily fixable. i'll just go back in time anan kill baby me. you're welcome. we'll be right back, unless we
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>> the company that makes "candy crusus has been sold for a staggering $5.9 billion. >> activision blizzard announced plans overnight to acquire king digital entertainment for $5.9 billiom. activision best t own for more trtritional games like "guitar hero" and "call of duty." >> stephen: yes, "candy crush" got sold for $5.9 billion. that's even re than disney paid for "star wars," or approximately how m mh i would pay to see the next "star wars" movie right now. ( cheers and applause ) so why did they spend so much money? why all the cash? well, partly because last year, through in-app purchases, candy crush's 474 million monthly users spent $1.3 billion. at least some of that wasn't from when dylan's mom left her phone on the counter. but possibly, because activision blizzard just announced the creation of their own movie and television studio to make filmss
"call of duty." to stay true to the original "call of duty," while you watch the movie, there'll be a 12- year-old sitting next to you telling you hohomuch you suck. clearly, if i'm reading this right, clely, it's only a matter of time bore activision makes a movie out of "candy crush," featuring, no doubt, an all-star cast led by liam neeson as mr. toffee. and even though it doesn't exist, i believe we have a clip. jim? >> my son. >> stephen: oh, father, you've been pierced with a candy cane! stay still. i'll get help. someone, call the donut doctor!
it's too late for that. my game is over. as our people say,y, am out of moves. >> stephen: don't say that, father. you just need to eat. here, i brought you some lemon drops! >> stephen: i'm such a fool! i put three of them together, and they disappeared! so sorry. >> it's all right, my son. not even a triple color bomb combo could save me now. where-- where were you? >> stephen: father, i was stuck at the ice cream caves. i was clearing all the jellies, just as you taught me, father! >> did you... did you slide the red ones down? >> stephen: i did. >> good boy. did you slide the blue ones, right? >> stephen: yes! i even got one of those sick combo chain reactions going. i crushed as many as i could,
help, but it wasn't enough. >> it's okay, son. you've given an old man his final sugar rush. ( laughter ) now, leave me. you must defeat the bubblegum troll before he reaches butterscotch boulders. >> stephen: but i can't do that! >> you c! you must! you've got everything you need: skill, strategy, and my lollipop hammer. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, but, father, i can't. >> damn it, boy, take it! there's no place in this sweet world for your salty tears. >> stephen: but, father, i can't just lea you here like some worthless licorice swirl!
-- i-- had a good life. i spent my best years crushing candy. and, yes, as i crushed, i would sometimes think, "this is a huge waste of time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i could be readingng book, or anything." but i kept on going. i know i haven't been the best father. there were walls between us-- beautiful, shiny walls of jellybeans and lozenges. and no matter how many times i tried to break down those walls, there'd be a new level, and, well, there'd just be new walls. walls that kept me from you. now that i'm dying, i realize-- i realize, i-- are you paying
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what? what? i'm sorry. i'm sorry, what was that? go banning. this level is really hard. >> sonl my timer has nearly run out, and there's something i should have toldldou long ago. i... love... >> stephen: let's see, here. 99 cents? yeah, i don't think so. father! no! you are gone, but i shall l ush on in your memory. and from the minty meadow to the fudge fjord, your legacy shall forever be remembered because i will share your high score o o facebook!! ( cheers and applause ) liam neeson, everyone! we'll be right back with aziz
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here. >> thank you so much for h hing me. i've never been here before. this is so cool. congratulations on the show. >> stephen: you weren't here when dave hosted the hoe? >> i was there in that incarnation. >> stephen: same building. >> it's the same place but it's a new chair. >> stephen: that's really the only change so far is the chairs. nice to meet you. nice to meet a fellow south carolinian. >> that's pretty cool. we're both from south carolina. stephen is the first late night host from south carolina, and the bajillionth white guy. very interestingngeasure of progress. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you talked about the-- not enough, like, people of color, minorities, represented on television. is having you on my show, does that count at all? >> yeaea >> stephen: does it count? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm trying to do my part. i'm trying to do my part. >> it's really diverse right now. 50%. >> stephen: 50% of the people are not white. >> t ts is like an all-time high
( cheers and applause ) you did that. >> stephen: hey, man. i do m mpart. i do whahai can. well, you're doing a lot of things. you starred on "parks and rec." ( cheers and applause ) you sold out madison square garden twice in one night. you've w wtten the best-sellinin book "modernrnove." >> "modern romance." >> stephen: really? my card says "modern love." >> somebody's going to get fired. >> stephen: god, i hope it's a white guy. yeah, yeah. chances are. >> yeah. >> stephen: chances are, chances are. >> there are a lot of white guys ck there. >> stephen: there are, yeah, yeah, yeah. you leave them alone in a box, and they multiply. ( laughter ) your new show is called "master of none." >> that's right, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what does "master of none" mean, first of all?
a title and "master of none" just sounded cool. it actually es kind of make sesee in the themes of t t show. it's about this guy who really feels like, you know, he's a developed adult. he's not like a man-child, but he's still learning a lot about life and whatnot. so he's kind of a master of none. i don't know. >> s sphen: in other words, he's got all the physical attributes of being adult but he hasn't got his ( bleep ) together. >> yeah. that's-- tt is actually-- that should be the log line of the show. ( laughter ) that's a great way to put it. that really is what t 's about. >> stephen: can't say it on cbs, but you can say it on netflix where you are. it's released now, right? >> now streaming, as they y. >> stephen: should i, should i... how would you like me to view it? parse it out in little aziz bites throughout the week, or would you want me to consume it in one... do you want ue to just binge it? >> i think you just watch it all. >> stephph: yeah. >> yeah. like don't leave your house until you watch all.
yeah. i just won't do the shww next week. >> oh, no! do the show. start in the mororng. >> stephen: do you-- is there anything else you binge on netflix? do you have fellow netflixians, you go, "man, that's a good show." >> you know, i ie been so busy working on that thing i haven't watched that much. >> stephen: and i'm supposed to watch all of your shows in one day. physician, heal thyself. speak of physicians and healing yourselves, your dad is a doctor, right? >> my dad is a doctor. >tephen: and you cast your own parents to play your parents in the show. >> i did. >> stephen: why did you cast your parents? >> i wrote the characters based on my parents, and whenever we brought in the people to audition, none of them felt right, and getting a white guy and doing brown face seemed like it wouldn't be proper. >> stephen: you didn't ask me. i know you dididt ask me. we have a clip of you and your dad talking about basically making decisions in life and settling down. >> yeah. >> stephen: jim, let's take a
>> i mean, whoever you're dating at this age could be who you end up with. it's a big decision. it's hard.d. >> you are so indecisive. when you were a kid, you said, "dad, can i play soccer? can i play tennis? can i play basketball?" me, i'm so decisive. i play golf, i chose your mom. we got married right away. no problem. >> yeah, but that's totally different. it was an arranged marriage. how many women did you meet before you decided on mom? >> two. >> two? that's it? what was wrong with the first lady? >> she was a little bit too tall. as soon as she stood up, i was like oh, no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: he's great. he's great. ( cheers and applause ) that must be nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: people say-- people say your dad-- your parents are like stealing scenes from you. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's let your dad steal the interview from you. dr. ansari, would you come out please?
( cheers and applause ) right over here. now, we've got to take a commercial break in just a second, but before we do, what did you think when your son asked you to play yourself in his tv show? >> well, it is a long dream to come true. >> stephen: your long dream come true, really? did you want to be an actor? >> when i was small i used to think of acting. my dad told me-- ( laughter ) "acting doesn't give money. be a doctor." so i followed the advice of my father. >> stephen: who makes more money now? ( laughter ) >> you know that? ( applause ) you know that better than me. >> stephen: i'll tell you what, we'll be right back with the
now you had an episode on immigrant parents. >> yeah. >> stephen: on the show. which you said is very universal becaususit's really about ungratatul children. what did you mean by that? >> well i think even i only realized how ungrateful i was in the last few years as an adult because, you know, my father moved here to south carolina, not the most open-arms place for people that look like he does. stephen: though nowowthough now, you guys might be more south carolinian than i am because our governor, nikki haley, is also indian-american. >> that's true. >> stephen: what's the universality of ungratefulness. i know what you mean by ungrateful children. when i had-- how did you feel when aziz was born. did you feel ungrateful to your parents in any way when you saw your son? >> i always feel he will b ba good one, and, like me, he will be grateful to me.
has he bn grateful to you? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: grateful enough? >> uh... okay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you feel when you found out that he was going to be an actor? did you want him to be a doctor? >> yeah. yoyoknow, i wanted him to be a doctor, but he called me one day and said, "daddy, i want to be a full time--" he said he wanted to be a comedian, stand-up comedian, , really didn't know what stand-up comedy means. >> stephen: did you think like a clown, big shoes. >> he says, "i'll stand up and tell jokes in front of the audience." "oh, is thatat job? good." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, aziz, like your dad's here, i'm a married man with children. are you going to settle down? is it time? is it time for to o u settle down a a get married. >> uh, i mean, i don't think so. what-- >> we want him to settle down.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the creator and executive producer of "grey's anatomy" and "scandal," and the author of the new book "year of yes." please welcome shonda rhimes. ((band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, this is a real pleasure to have you here. >> i'm excited to be here. >> stephen: everybody in the building is excitetebecause you own thursday nights on abc. you've got "grey's anamy." "how to get away with murder" at 10:00. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: if you, like, cough over at abc, do they go, "what is that? is that a show about-- is that
is it cops that cough with a code? >> t ty're very supportive. >> stephen: are they really? >> yes. >> stephen: do you enjoy making these shows? because you have three of them a week to help pump out. do you actually like the procece of creating the show? >> i do. i love it. it's really fun. think about it, i get to type "interior oval office" and they get to build me an oval office and i get to play in it before they shoot stuff. it's really fun. >> stephen: you get to say, "hmmm, liam neeson in a "candy crush" outfit. it's one of the best jobs you can have. >> it's amazing. >> stephen: you have a new book called "year of yes" "how to dance it out, stand in the sun, and be your own person." you did a year o osaying yes to things that previously scared you. >> i did. >> stephen: things like what, a clown appearing at your door splattered in blood saying, "i can come in and sharpen my
what are the things? >> i said yes to things like coming on a talk show. it would have caused me a huge panic attack and tears, and i wouldn't have been able to come out here. i might have fainted on your floor. stephen: good tv. >> it would have been really good tv. >> stephen: if you want to, go right ahead. >> public speaking of any time. >> stephen: you went to dartmouth and gave the commencement speech. >> i did, i did. that was my first big "yes." my s sond big "yes" of doing things i was scared of. >> stephen: the theme of it which was, don't follow your dreams was the theme. your speech. absolutely. >> stephen: i, on a certain level believe with you. what did you mean about, "don't follow your dreams?" >> i meant people who are dreamers don't ever do the things they nt to do. they spend their time dreaming instead of actually doing, and the people who do are the people who actually get somewhere. >> stephen: right, right. chuck close, the painter, he
amateurs. the rest of us show up and work." >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah, and if everybody followed their dreams, who they wanted to be when they were children,he world would just be packed with princesses and cowboys. >> absolutely. >> stephen: did you have a dream? what was your dream when you were younger? >> i wanted to be tony morrison. i wanted to be a novelist like tony morrison. >> stephen: why didn't you do it? >> tony morrison already has the job. >> stephen: was there anything in this "year of yes" that you said, yeah, no. my yes is a big no to that? one thing did you is you said yes to healtlt you lost 117 pounds. ( cheers and applause ) >> i did, i did. i did. that was one. >> stephen: yeah. that is-- that is saying no to a lot of thing lose 117 pounds. >> it was. it was saying no to a lot of things. but it was also saying yes to wanting to hang around for a lot longer. >> stephen: you had a friend who said, "you never do anything fun." >> yeah. >> stephen: like you run three tv shows.. that's fun.
do anything fun?" >> my older sister dolores said i never said yes to anything. she meant i go to work and come home. you think people who work in hollywood have fancy hollylyod lives. i had kids and i was working and coming home. i was a workaholic. that was it. >> stephen: what was your idea of fun? >> laying on the sofa and watching "game of thrones." >> stephen: sound pretty goooo actually. >> it was pretty fun. >> stephen: you mentioned your older sister. you're the baby of a big family, right? >> youngest of six. >> stephen: i'm the youngest of 11. i know that feeling. isn't it grere being the baby? >> i love it. they think i'm helpless. it's fantastic. >> stephen: you get away with a lot. >> you get away with a lot. >> stephen: i let my sisters take care of me whenever i'm around them. >> absolutely. >> stephen: i love acting helpless. "you sit down." >> family holidays are amazing because i just stand there and look confused and they do everything else. >> stephen: do they still treat you as a child? >> they think i'an idiot. it's fantastic. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, thank god you're not, and thank god you
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. you dress so elegagaly for people who are usually splattered in blood. >> this is how we get contrast in our life. >> stephen: well, we're thrilled you're here. bruce, obviously, you're an actor, director, writer, producer, author, best known for thth"evil dead" films, "my favorite maniac cops" "burn notice" and now ronald reagan on "fargo." and lucy, everyone knows you from "xena w wrior princess" "battlestar galactica" and "parks and rec." the new show is called "ash versus evil dead." bruce, you play ash, and i assume you're there to kick a little ash. >> yes, because he's an ash hole. yet again he has released a deadly plague which killed my family. i'm a little chagrined about
he thinks i'm waah-waah, about my family being butchered. >> it's probably a good idea to clarify this, just to air this out. your dumb father, mr. knowby in "evil dead 2" found this book. "i'm going to translate this book." and he interested out loud. your dumb-ass father released the demons. i'm going to put an end totot. your father began it. so you should get pissed at your dumb old man, not the guy who is trying to rectify the situation. >> stephen: : ll tell you what, we have a clip that deals with this exact thing. jim, let's settle this. >> number one, it's my book, has been for 30 years. number two, i'm on your damn property because i'm here to save a little somemeing i call earth. >> you know what i've been doing these past 30 years? cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that
what have you accomplished in all these years? you put a chain saw on your stump. congratulations. >> you know, it's a lot harder than it looks. name one other person that you know that t s a functioning chain saw arm.m. >> this has to stop. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you got a point. you got a point. very few people-- >> it's a bit of a dicey relationship. >> steteen: it seems like it. it seems like it. now you guys ever get hurt doing these shows? because your stunt coordinator, i think i have this right said, "we're trying to make everything look like it hurts." does it hurt. >> magically by make sure it hurts. >> stephen: does it actually hurt? >> yes, army of darkness i cut my face over on a piece of armor. i flipped the stunt man down the stair quite successfully, i came up and my y east plate was covered in blood, and they took me to the emergency room dressed as ash, and i had eight cuts on my face... >> eight fake cuts. >> and the doctor looked at me
and i go, "can't you tell?" ( laughter ) so he stitched me up. >> stephen: your makeup people must have been so happy that he couldn't tell, though. >> oh, they were very impressed. >> didn'n'you drive yourself---- you did, didn't you? you drove yourself. >> yeah, it was a low-budget production. what were you going to do, you know. so i came back and it was just another dumb cut on my face and no one could tell. it didn't matter. in t tse movies, it doesn'n' matter if you're injured or actually hurt. >> stephen: now, have you-- have you guys -- you're splattered by a great deal of blood in the movies. how many gallons of blood do you ys go through in a s sson? >> oh, buckets of blood. >> i'm having is certified by price water house because there's a dispute. somebody thinks it's about 450 gallons. i think they were about 50 gallons off f cause there was one scene where i know i ate about 50 gallons. we have to work that out. new blood delivery systems. 1979 it was a guy with a green garden hose, ready! okay! and they would blow that crap
a ham sandwich. so it worked great. now, we have a-- we have a pressurized beer keg. and. >> stephen: really, blood on tap? ( laughter ). >> when that thing rolls out, the crew members, they tape off the entire set in plastic because it's pressssized, and it's gonna pump out about 50 gallons out of that thing. and oh, boy. their aim is getting better-- we have a viscera cannon. >> stephen: a viscera cannon? >> yeah, it's an air mortar, and they take out the stuff that's lethal. ( laughter ). >> stephen: one would hope. one would hope. >> i don't know what that means. but they can put brains or any kind of viscera, and they can hit you from 20 feet away dead on. ( laughter ). >> and all night long you're doing this. >> stephen: to get brains out of your nose. >> to get the brains out of your nose. >> stephen: wow. >> have you got your glasses there, bruce, put them on?
>> because amazingly you look just like stephen colbert in your glasses. >> if i can sit in your chair -- >> sure, we'll do it. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheers ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >>ait a second. wait. wait! i've got a line of dialogue i've got to say. ( laughter ) laugh nationonand that's it. it's a one-line imitation. ( cheers and applause ).
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